Africa-Press – Seychelles. I have been in a relationship with this woman for four years, and I thought we were headed for marriage. Although it took me time to propose, I was still struggling to make ends meet when we first met. As a couple, we agreed that we would only marry when we were financially stable. During this time, we had two children together. However, in the third year, I began to notice her frustration, perhaps due to doubts about whether I still wanted to marry her. What I did not realise was that she had started dating someone else. She has now informed me that she is leaving me and plans to marry the man who, in her words, “genuinely loves her.” I feel not only frustrated but deeply hurt. At times, it feels like I cannot continue living without her. How can I move on and start over from scratch? Jack
Dear Jack,
What you are going through is painful, and reading your letter, I can feel that. It is understandable to feel this way as you are grieving the end of a relationship. Grief is not just linked to death but any significant loss, such as a failed relationship, a lost job, or even moving homes. In your case, you are grieving the end of a relationship that meant a lot to you.
Grief manifests in many ways; sadness, anger, denial, withdrawal, guilt, and more. You might identify with one or more of these emotions because it is clear you cherished the mother of your children. You ask yourself a question that echoes the sentiment of Michael Bolton’s song, “How am I supposed to live without you?” which reflects the feelings of loss and uncertainty you are experiencing.
In your letter, you ask, “How do I even begin to move on?” This shows you are recognising the need to move on, though you are uncertain how to go about it. That is where support can help, and I am glad you reached out for guidance.
You have two main options; you can pursue her in competition with her new partner, which could result in a love triangle, or you can focus on moving forward. The latter seems to be the direction you are leaning toward based on your letter. But moving on requires you to manage your grief and navigate co-parenting with her while adjusting to separate lives.
One thing to reflect on is that it seems you may not have been aligned in your views on the relationship. You placed a lot of importance on financial stability before marriage, but there was no clear timeline. This might have led to frustration. Was she on the same page about waiting for financial stability? If not, that is a potential point of departure.
Also, I wonder whether you two lived together. If you did not, it could have led to feelings of insecurity and uncertainty, which may have contributed to where you are now. When she says she is marrying someone who “genuinely loves her,” it might be painful, but it also gives insight into her view of love.
Could it be that the ways you showed love were not how she understood love? Even though you assured her of marriage, perhaps she did not interpret your actions the same way. There may have been cracks in the relationship that you did not notice in time.
It is also worth asking; why was marriage so important to her? If you did not understand her fears around it, this might have been a key factor you missed.
For your well-being, moving on could ultimately serve you best. However, you need support to work through the grief and negative emotions. Talking to a trusted friend or a professional counsellor can help. If you decide to see a counsellor, make sure they are qualified.
READER ADVICE
Fight for your love
Benson Mwaka Funi: Fight for her. The people telling you to move on have never experienced true love. Relationships fail when one partner moves on, and the other is advised to do the same. I say stay and fight, if not for anything else, for the time you have been together which I believe is worth all the effort.
Allow yourself to heal
John Ssemwogerere: I know you are hurting right now, but it is important to give yourself time to heal. Losing someone you love is never easy, but the most important thing is to stay strong for your children. Lean on family and close friends; they can offer the support you need. Take one step at a time and remember, this pain will ease with time.
Focus on your children
Grace Nabirye: Jack, heartache is something everyone faces in life, and though it feels unbearable now, you must allow yourself the time to grieve. It is okay to feel pain, but do not let it consume you. Turn to the people who care about you and focus on what matters; your children. Healing does not happen in a day, but take it slowly and trust that better days are ahead.
Take a lesson
Daniel Kiggundu: This is a difficult time, but life moves in cycles. Take time to reflect on what you can learn from this experience, and focus on your future. Do not bottle up your emotions. Be honest with yourself and your feelings, but do not let them define you. Work on building yourself up, and for the sake of your children, stay strong.
Focus on mental health
Amina Namubiru: I can feel the weight of your pain, but it is important to remember that every ending paves the way for new beginnings. You are not defined by this relationship, but by your ability to grow through it. Take time for yourself, focus on your mental and emotional health, and remember that your children need you. Time will heal, and you will come out stronger.
Love your children
Musa Matovu: The hurt you are feeling is real, but you have the strength to get through it. The road ahead may seem unclear, but your focus should be on moving forward, not looking back. Spend time nurturing your relationship with your children, and use this time to focus on your growth. Remember, life is about learning from every experience and becoming better because of it.
Have support system
Miriam Nsubuga: It is okay to feel lost after everything that has happened, but you do not have to face this alone. Allow yourself to grieve, but also surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Take this time to rebuild your life, not just for yourself, but for your children
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