Africa-Press – Uganda. We are hard-wired to please people. Throughout the course of our early life, when our mother, father, or parental figure approves of what we do, it feels good because we seek their love and attention and come to realise that refusing what a parent asks or wants isn’t the way to get it.
But it doesn’t stop there. We continue to grow and learn to keep doing things to help others or saying ‘yes’. We’re primed throughout life to avoid the word ‘no’, which ultimately takes us off our own path.
By the time we reach adulthood, we suffer anxiety at what will happen if we dare to say “no.” Will the boss give the best assignments to a coworker who says “yes” to everything, limiting your career prospects? Will our friends expel us from the group if we don’t accept every invitation? Will we hurt a sibling’s feelings if we don’t have time to help them? Will a partner or child think we are self-centred or uncaring if we tell them “no”? Ironically, the answer to all these questions is almost certainly a “no.”
As you get older, the yeses get bigger, slipperier, more permanent. But somewhere along the way, you notice you aren’t quite living your life. Instead, you seem to create a schedule that is a strange combination of meeting the expectations of others, and that leaves you overwhelmed and unfulfilled.
For one month, try to say no to every invite and request you get. The results are eye-opening.
While it’s not a good idea to leave people hanging , sometimes it is helpful to tell them you will get back to them or ask them to let you think on it. This gives you time to evaluate the situation and decide if you want to say yes or no.
However, there’s a fine line between being a likeable person and being a people-pleaser. Saying yes circumvents the reality that we need to make hard choices.
Years ago, I learnt that successful people aren’t afraid to say no. If your startup’s goal is to land on the moon, the next time someone asks you to do something that pulls you off course from achieving this goal, you should politely decline. If you want to reduce your caffeine intake, then stop drinking coffee altogether. Remove it from your house.
Never order it when out with friends. Don’t drink it even on special occasions or when you have a pounding headache – always say no.
Don’t say no to someone who really needs your help. I’m talking about turning down that meeting that you really do not want to attend or that birthday party that you don’t want to be a guest at because it’s the same weekend as your sister’s kwanjula or the finals of the local football match.
Say no to a friend who continues to take advantage of your goodwill. Or, draw the line with a workaholic colleague and tell them you will complete the project but not by working all weekend. Or, tell your neighbor you can’t loan them money again because they never paid you back the last time. You’ll find yourself much happier. If you don’t like the food, don’t go to that restaurant. Do what feels right for you.
In today’s fast-paced, high tech world, burnout has become an epidemic. That’s why it’s vital for your well-being to know how to say no. Knowing how to say ‘no’ takes learning. So, start by selecting the things you genuinely want to say yes to–the things that build relationships with important people in your life, that align with your values, that bring you joy–and stop accepting responsibilities that don’t meet those criteria. It helps you in modelling good self-care to those around you. Frankly speaking, you are not really obligated to do something for someone. You’re not obligated to be at your boss’ call every single second of every work day. Yes, your clan raised you and still love you, but you are not supposed to bend your convictions just to suit their own stereotypical beliefs.
If you’re not sure about something, say no to it. If it’s not really what you want, say no. You are the person who is going to be mostly affected by the decisions you make in your life. If you decide to do something and fail to follow through, you’re the one who’s going to be most stressed.
The pressure to say yes doesn’t just come from others. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. We say yes because we compare ourselves to others who seem to be doing more than we are. We say yes because we feel guilty we aren’t doing enough to spend time with family or friends. Years ago, an auntie asked me to do something.
As usual, I blurted out a polite “Yes, of course, that’s no problem”. Later, I found myself feeling absolutely terrible about having said yes and I wished that I could have had the guts to say no from the beginning because I thought her younger son could do it too. So, if you wish to spend your life relaxing, moving at a gentle pace and savouring every minute, say no to the things that don’t really matter. Otherwise you may say yes all the time and spend the rest of your life hurrying, fast-tracking and running around.
Phillip Kimumwe, [email protected]
