Africa-Press – Lesotho. Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I am afraid to take off. And none of them are me.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature with me; but don’t be fooled, for God’s sake don’t be fooled! I give you the impression that I’m secure, that all is sunny and unruffled in me, within as well as without.
I sell the story that confidence is my name and coolness my game. That the waters are calm and I am in command, yet beneath the calm surface I’m paddling
frantically like a duck in distress and that I need no one. But don’t believe me. Despite all of this, I remain a Jabbie. My outer self may seem smooth and serene, but my surface is a
false impression of reality. My never-varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath lays discomfort, insecurity and shallow confidence. Beneath lies the real me,
in confusion, in fear and aloneness. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That is why I frantically create a front to hide behind, a
nonchalant, sophisticated façade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance that knows. But such a glance is precisely my salvation, because it sees
me. Look twice and through me and beyond me and you will see the true Abubacar. A child in an adult body who is trying to be Man. That is, if it’s followed by acceptance and no judgement, if it’s
followed by love. It’s the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self-built prison walls, from the barriers that I have so painstakingly
erected. It is the only thing that can assure me of what I can’t assure myself. That I’m really worth something. Someone. Because I am a Jabbie. But I don’t tell you this, I don’t dare.
I’m afraid to. I’m afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I’m afraid you will think less of me and that you’ll laugh. And your laugh will kill me.
I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m no good, and that you will see this and reject me. So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, and my life
becomes a movie. A pretend false screen play. I dislike the superficial game I’m playing. The fake, phony games I play. I’d really like to be genuine and
spontaneous and just be me, I and myself! But you’ve got to help me; you’ve got to hold out your hand. Even when that’s the last thing I seem to want or need.
Only you can wipe away my tears, the blank stare of the breathing dead. Only you can breathe life into me. Call me into aliveness. Remind me that I am
Jabbie. Every time that you are kind and gentle and encouraging, each time that you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings… Very small wings… Very feeble wings, but wings.
With your sensitivity and sympathy, and your power and purpose of understanding, you can make me soar like an eagle and fly way above the clouds of self-doubt.
I want you to know that. I want you to know how important you are to me. How you can be a creator of the persons that is Us, Me, myself and I. We have multiplied.
That We and Us I know I know We are. The person I was created to be. The real authentic me. You just have to choose me. You have to just choose Jabbie.
It will not be easy for you. A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong impenetrable walls. The nearer you approach me, the harder I may strike back and defend my stance; it’s irrational, I know, but
despite what the books and everyone says about men, I am irrational. I am a Man. I am Jabbie. I fight against the very thing that I cry out for. But I’m
told that love is stronger than the strongest most fortified walls. And in this lies my hope. My only hope. Please try to help me break down these walls with
firm hands and a resolute heart. But with gentle hands – for a child is sensitive. Who am I you may ask? I am the Me I presented and the one I wanted to portray.
Is it real? Of course maybe sometimes. It is what it is. It is I, Me and myself. The realness of me comes though the confession in these words. My question to you is, Are You real? How many masks do You
wear? Are You brave enough to be real enough to boldly and honestly bear your soul and say “This is me”? I am. I’ve lived enough years to know that “If it’s
gonna be, it’s up to me”. I’ve fought battles with demons and wrestled the devil. I’ve been lifted by Angels and covered by the Holy Spirit. The universe
has always guided me towards the light. I appreciate my support system. My family is my life. Jabbie is my name. The one thing I know with absolute surety is that “I AM
JABBIE’! Born of Kings and Queens. I am African. With blood from the North and South, East and West. I live and represent all that is African. My son,
siblings, my aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews and nieces. I am proud of my complete self and being. “And I’d choose me again. In a hundred lifetimes, in a
thousand worlds, in any version of reality, in any parallel universe; I’d find me and I’d choose me again and again. I’d choose Jabbie any day, anywhere
anytime again. Just us, always” I love Me and I’m grateful for all that I am. I live everyday with an Attitude of Gratitude. Thinking that others are less than, or not human enough because your personal beliefs or shade or
sexual expression is different to theirs is the highest form of narcissistic behavior there is. Tolerance, respect and acceptance should be basics that are
taught at home and school. Society does shape us, but we have to be alive to the fact that we are no more special than the next person because of our social
standing, religion or shade. Bullying in schools and the workplace are a direct result of this intolerance and disrespect. As parents, much of what we want to give to
our children wings so they can soar and conquer the world, we also have to give them roots so they are firmly planted in basic human rights, respect, honor and
acceptance of others. Power-plays in the office affect lives in many ways as victims suffer from many health and mental ailments. These could manifest into
substance abuse or physical, mental, financial or sexual abuse. Power trips only feed those that have low self-esteem; they need to make others feel bad or
insecure in order for them to feel better about themselves. These are deep rooted issues that may emanate from childhood traumas or dysfunctional families.
Some victims WILL become perpetrators. In order for us to live in a decent world, we have to begin with our own circles of influence; ourselves, our children, family and friends.
It might sound like a cliché, but we do have to be change we want to see in the world. We have to be gentler, kinder, more accepting and tolerant of others.
We have to be examples to our children and watch our words and actions. We have to call out intolerance and negative utterances made by our family and friends
when it comes to other people who are just trying to live their lives. Lives which on a daily basis really have no impact to ours in any meaningful way.
If I choose to go to Mosque on Friday and you go to church on Sunday and our neighbor goes to Prophet so & so’s prayer meeting on Monday, how is that a
thing to you? The problem comes in when one tries to judge and ridicule the other because of their beliefs. The problem comes in when one starts to disrespectfully flaunt their lifestyle in others’ faces.
The problem comes in when the Taliban or ISIS begin bombing schools because girls are attending classes, and bear in mind these are their own families and people.
The problem comes in when a white person sees no problem in jumping the queue or talking down to a black person because of their white privilege and sense of
entitlement. The problem comes in when tribalism and others’ cultural norms are insulted and belittled because someone feels they are too ‘Woke’ to respect how
others have lived for hundreds of years. Yes, culture is fluid and ever changing, but insults are unnecessary. That is why we have been given the intellect and ability to debate and maturity
to agree to differ. Tolerance, acceptance and respect are not the ‘new cool’. They have been with us since time immemorial. Cultures used to live in harmony
until power hungry leaders, misplaced pride and falsehoods were spread as well as stereotyping and nation states started being formed. We just have to get back to basics.
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