Africa-Press – Zimbabwe. I recently invited my husband’s family for Sunday Lunch. They all came but none of them ate the meal I made and it was really embarrassing. I later found out that my mother-in-law had cooked a large meal and fed everyone before they arrived at our home. Should I say something?
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
This must have been quite disheartening for you. I know that hosting one’s in-laws can make that person walk on egg shells as they try hard to do their best to please the in-laws.
There are many benefits to cooking for friends and family. It is a way to show love and appreciation, connect with people, share your culture, learn new skills, relax and de-stress, and save money. Eating together as a family will also create an opportunity for people to bond, especially in the African setting. Therefore, when you invite such important guests for a meal, it is normal to expect them to eat what you have prepared.
However, always remember you are not in control of other people’s thoughts and behaviour towards you. In this case, your husband is the major link between you and your in-laws. It is not obvious that your in-laws will act in a civil manner as would have been the ideal. You might always meet some surprises as you keep interacting with them but it is good to understand them from their perspective.
You did your best to prepare a meal for them; I am sure it would have been worse if you had not done so. Doing your part is very important and in this case, you should be applauded for that.
If you feel in any way offended by your in-laws behaviour, talk to your husband about it. He is the only one who can help you understand some of his family’s dynamics and how you can best relate with them. Also, try not to make this personal as this will make it difficult for you to relate well with your in-laws.
Every time we go through a difficult situation, we learn something. What will you do differently next time? Next time, you could ask your husband to find out from his family if it is okay to prepare a meal or not. Clear communication in such instances will not only help you know what to do but also save money.
Establishing a strong and mutual relationship with your in-laws takes time. In this case, concentrate on loving your husband and for anything you need to communicate with his family, go through him. He is the best link you have to them right now. With time, they will start to accept you, but also putting in mind that some may never come around, which is also okay.
Reader advice
Let it go
Martin Ssebyala. I think some things are better left unsaid. No matter how it hurts, please let this one pass. It could be genuine or something to investigate quietly so that you are sure of what you say, keeping emotions aside.
Talk to your husband
Benson Mwaka Funi. People telling you to ignore this are giving you wrong advice. If something hurts you and you play numb every time, you will explode one day. Tell your husband and listen to what he says and most importantly, what he thinks. Sometimes your in-laws may not like you and it is better to know early or the next embarrassing situation may be much more than refusing to eat your food.
At least they showed up
Rosie Prince. Eat your food and relax. In this world, you cannot please everyone. At least they showed up. Sometimes, all we can do is take the positive from a situation and leave the rest to God.
Think of the outcome
Sarah K Frankie. Women need to understand that you do not need to respond or give energy to every issue in a relationship. Whether this was intentional or not, choose peace and the higher road. What will be the result of you acusing your in-laws of something that even you are not sure if it was done intentionally?
Learn to cook
Phoebe Miriam. Maybe they have tested your food before and it was not good. They just did not want to hurt your feelings by telling you the truth. Improve your cooking skills. You can enroll for cookery lessons and improve yourself.
Next time, communicate
Mary Lamunu. Next time, do not invite anyone and do not cook anything unless they call and say they are coming over and would like to eat some food.
Do not overthink this
Charlotte A. Cherlyl. At least they showed up and I am sure they must have apologised for not eating. So, either it was your mother in law trying to sabotage you or something came up and they all had to pass by her home and found food to eat. Do not overthink this; forgive them and move on.
Focus on your marriage
Haurah Nalubega. Now you know. Invest your energy in being a good person. If you have children, focus on them. It is also important to focus on your marriage and your husband. It is he who should talk with his family.
Give them time
Ivano Waswa. Treat your in-laws as individuals and not as a group. Welcome them and treat them well. Some will love you while others will take time to come around. Marriage is for a lifetime and in this lifetime, alot will change.
Keep your peace
Dorah Cashgyal Agata. Do not talk about it and do not invite them again unless it them who ask to come over. After all, you tried. Keep your peace.
Evelyn Khorono Lufafa is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation
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